Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
