He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
