My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
