she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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