party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
