The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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