woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
