This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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