You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
