Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
