just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
