I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
