so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
