I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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