My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
