My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
