You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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