so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
