HIV tests are more positive than that guy
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
