took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
