Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
