WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
