He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
