i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
