My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
