my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Every concussion has its silver lining
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
