come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
