Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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