Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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