Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
