she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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