How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
