great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pants are for mortals
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
