there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
