you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
