I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
