We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
