My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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