I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
