She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
