Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
