I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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