If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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