My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
