I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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