My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
