I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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