If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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