??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
