I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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