i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
