i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
